reflective.

Letting go and trusting feels like falling, because I've been trying so desperately to hang on, navigate my circumstances, anticipate the unknown, and find order in the chaos. Trusting, however, is learning to breathe during the fall. Trusting is believing with my whole life that God will catch me. He promises to keep his promises. He is able. He is strong. His heart toward me is good. He wants even more for me than I can dream. He is bigger than all of this. - Angela Thomas, Beautiful Offering.

I will lead the blind by a way they did not know; I will guide them on paths they have not known. I will turn darkness to light in front of them, and rough places into level ground. This is what I will do for them, and I will not forsake them. -Isaiah 42:16

Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak. -The Shack

Fear not. For I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, and you are mine. - Isaiah 43:2

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."
-Eleanor Roosevelt


And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.-Rainer Maria Rilke


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13

I will go.

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll
fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the
fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into the flames and look for You


For ladies Bible study we're going through "A Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. Last night we watched a video about God's direction and how we'll never regret being obedient when following God's leading. I squirmed in my seat. This is much easier said than done.

i said it.

Yesterday, while sitting on a leather couch at the downtown Forza, I purchased my tickets for Australia. Shortly after pressing the "confirm" button, I burst into tears. David sat beside me and asked what happened. I told him I changed my mind and didn't want to go anymore. In the next few minutes, I tried calling my parents (who are on vacation in Hawaii), but failed to reach anything but the voicemail. The tickets are non-refundable, non-transferable, and the price-tag was high. I am committed. All of these thoughts and more raced through my mind and I was terrified. Here I am, a rather introverted, home-body, and I've just committed myself to 5 months oversees.

In all honestly, a year ago when I decided to move forward with the opportunity of studying abroad, I was convinced that something would happen to cause it not to go through. I told myself that things wouldn't pull through financially, or maybe someone would get sick, or the program would be full, or a variety of things would keep me from committing. Well... now I am scheduled to leave in 123 days. I have the money (thank you to student loans). No one is deathly ill (praise God). The program & university accepted me first time around (and gave me a scholarship). And now, the only thing holding me back is my own fear.

If I hadn't told people about my desire to do this or the fact that I believe God is asking me to it, I am sure I would back out right about now. However, the thing about honest friends is they won't let you go back on what you said (or, better yet, what God said). I said it out loud over a year ago. I blogged about all the confirmations I received and shared it with those closest to me. So thanks to them, I am being reminded that this is what I am to do.

Autumn

Ah, Autumn… I love you, my favorite season, my cozy friend who returns loyally each and every year.

I drove an hour north today and loved every minute of it. The crisp air. The changing leaves. The warmth of the sun coming through the window. And of course, Christmas music playing from my ipod. Few things are better than feeling completely content in the moment. Autumn is here. While this season brings with it the hustle and bustle of school starting and the beginning of holiday celebrations, it also brings feelings of hope, reflection, and change. Today I am thankful for the simple things of fall. Puffy vests, scarfs, mini pumpkins, hot apple cider, and cozy nights with a good book (even if its for Psych 340) :)

I love this season.

february 13. departure.

I received the dates for my program last friday. February 13, 2010 - June 26, 2010. I have been waiting for these dates for months now so I can purchase my plane ticket, let my boss know when my last day will be, and begin all the preparations for departure.

However, since Friday, I have experienced everything but excitement. When telling Sarah and Yoel when I'd be done working at the church, I cried. When I found out that some dear family friends will have a baby while I am gone, I cried. When I researched flight times (unable to make a sure decision), I cried. When realizing that I am giving up everything secure in life for just four and a half months away, I cried. I was under the impression that my program was 5 -6 months long. For some reason, I thought 6 months of time was worth giving up a job, financial stability, and all things I find comfort in.... but 4.5 just doesn't seem worth while. So, these past couple days I have thrown out ideas of staying in Australia an extra 3 weeks (outside of student housing) just to make it 'worth my while'.

My dad said its only a few weeks different. David said it'll be worth while no matter what. Sarah said I have to believe that God knew everything I would miss while gone. My mom said I'll be ready to come home on June 26 and there is no reason to stay an additional 3 weeks.

To be honest, I'd like to be back in the states in May to greet baby Balcom into the world. Or in June to meet Elizabeth at the airport when she returns from Russia. Or the beginning of July to celebrate my birthday and independence day with family and friends. But, then there is this tug in my heart to not rush home. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. I am saving everything I can to go on this trip and it won't cost much more to stay longer. So... If I am going to come home broke anyway, I might as well come home really broke, right??

I have a feeling I'll regret not staying in Australia as long as I can. But I also have a feeling that I'll want to come home everyday that I am there. Oh my.....

fall: goodbye's & hello's

I woke up this morning to rainfall from the night still shining on the pavement and clinging to the grass. There are few things more beautiful than a rainy fall morning. The air smells crisp and the wind is moist and cool, reminding you that the new season has arrived. While fall doesn't technically start until September 22, it feels as though it could be today. As I cuddle up under a warm blanket, something inside reminds me that with change there is room for growth and new life.

Last week I said goodbye to my best friend. As she travels to teach in Russia, I am filled with excitement for her to experience life differently and pursue what she is most passionate about. However, I can't help that I am a selfish being who wishes Russia was just down the road. Elizabeth and I have a unique friendship that has survived much. As I reminisce back to our high school days, there weren't many people that cared the way she did. As I struggled to find meaning and purpose, she always reassured me that there is light and life to be found. Even when she moved to Seattle for college, our friendship was strengthened and stretched. And yet, the challenge to remain close during these next 10 months frightens me.

While I talked to Elizabeth on the phone last Saturday, it encouraged me that even though she is halfway around the world, if I needed her - she'd be there. I have little doubt in that. So while the daily conversations about seemingly insignificant things will be missed, I know still that she will be there when I am questioning life and love and the decision to move to Australia. Fall festivities and Christmas merriment will not be the same without her here. However, the adventure she has started has been her heartbeat for well over a year now.

Along with fall and the changes it brings, I am continuing to learn how to balance school and work while still managing to have time of my own. The last few weeks have required more of me than I had to give. Yet, life continues to happen. So I am determined to find what it is that fills me. Instead of focusing all my energies on getting straight A's, I'd rather get B's in my classes and enjoy the season I am in. It may not be shocking to you to find out that I am a perfectionist... but I need to find balance in that. There has to be room for things that bring excitement, energy, and life. So, with that said... I am anticipating a busy, yet fulfilling autumn season. I am going to take time out to soak up a good book, read random design blogs, sip a cup of apple cider, and enjoy laughter with friends and family.

"Behold, the dwelling of God is with men. He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away." And he who sat upon the throne said, "Behold I make all things new."

kindly unspoken

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down…

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your rules
Did what Simon Says to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

-KATE VOEGELE

away we go.

My best friend leaves for California in 15 days for training.

She then leaves to teach in Russia for a year.

I leave in 6 months for Australia.

This is weird.

coming of summer.

I realized today that summer is well on its way. I had the pleasure of doing my devotions and reading for fun this morning at the downtown Forza. It has been a while since I had a day off work without the demands of homework in the back of my head. School is out until next Tuesday and packing, moving, and unpacking are just about completed. With that, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of my white chocolate americano and the thrilling act of people watching.

This morning felt incredible. I needed some time to catch my breath and clear my head. The last few weeks have been packed with finals, moving, and preparations for CityBlast (a community event hosted by my church). Finishing spring quarter last Thursday left me with a feeling of relief. Today I had the pleasure of experiencing that same relief. Ahhhh. It feels good to just breath, knowing that nothing is demanding my time for the next several hours. I can take a nap, watch a movie, go for a walk, or simply just sit on my bed and think. Too often do I take moments like these for granted. While it is my choice to go to school and work full time, it can be exhausting. Weeks have gone by when I failed to make my bed or even think about starting a load of laundry. Yet, today my laundry is done. My boxes are unpacked (mostly). My bed is made. My hair is washed (and even dry!). It feels oh so good!

I am ready to have coffee with friends, take a stroll around Bradley Lake, make dinner with my mom, and watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon. Summer is coming, and I'm so excited!

hold tight.

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

present life.

i love... (in no particular order)

my family.
my friends.
ice cream cones.
my buddy.
lollipops.
sunshine.
devotions.
forza.
dancing.
making music videos.
farmers market.
free museum nights.
completed finals.
flying.
dessert.
weddings.
pudding out of vending machines.
sunglasses.
disneyland (even without the fireworks).
roadtrips.
quality inn hotels.
free breakfast.
australia.
my job.
sprinklers.
flip flops.
wall sit competitions.
waterfalls.
running.
new houses.
the today show.
tuna fish.
birthdays.
4th of july.
puyallup fair.
dates.
getting mail.
"lamp!"
west elm.
fun gum.
magazines.
bang trims.
dutch brothers coffee.
new dresses.
greeting cards.
the new target.
sunroofs.
$2 movie theaters.
laughing.

He Knows

"I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted, you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed." - Beth Moore

I find comfort today in the fact that God knows. He knows everything I am thinking or worrying about. He knows the things I can't even seem to get down on paper. He knows that I need a day in the sun and time with a good friend. He knows that I am tired and worn out. He knows where my passions are and the areas that I fight alone. I might not be able to speak these out loud or explain them in detail... but its okay... because He knows. And that's enough.

G'day, Mate!

I'm going to Australia!! I got the acceptance call and now just waiting for the packet in the mail! All I know at this point is that I will leave February 2010 to study at Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia. Time to start saving pennies!

the nines

MONDAY!

Just a weekend away!


Elizabeth and I are heading down to Portland for our annual overnight visit. I can't wait to eat some pastry pleasure from Voodoo Donuts, walk through the gardens of The Grotto, and visit the shops of 23rd.




We got a great deal on a five-star hotel (the pictures alone are amazing). I'm so excited for new scenery and a little break from the life of work and school. Something tells me these two days are going to do just the trick.





This is the last Portland adventure before Elizabeth heads to Russia for a year. I am hoping its one to remember. Well... honestly, all our trips to Portland have their own unique memories tied to them.






Year one: Awful haircuts and hotel coloring. Year two: unexpected visit from Puyallup friends and a night of laughs. Year three: The luxury of a five-star hotel.... and so much more :)

a gift

I watched a nooma video the other night with Elizabeth. It talked about how everything we have in life is a gift, and should be treated as such. The following is an excerpt from the video description:

"There’s a popular bumper sticker that reads “God Bless America,” but hasn’t America already been blessed? It’s easy for us to fall into a mindset of viewing “our” world as “the” world, because it’s all we generally see. We’re constantly bombarded with images of the latest styles and models of everything, and it can easily leave us feeling like what we have isn’t enough because we see people that have even more than us. But how does what we have compare to what most people in the world have? Maybe what we have is enough; maybe it’s more than enough. Maybe God has blessed us with everything we have so we can bless and give to others."

I want to live my life in this way. Even if it starts with buying a coffee for the stranger behind me in line... I am going to give to others because I, truly, have been blessed.

Life's a gift.